Social gestures are interesting, especially cross-culturally, in light of questions of authenticity.

I like your post. It got me thinking: when I was in the Peace Corps in West Africa, I had to deal with greetings a lot. People there will greet each other for minutes at a time. And they'll ask the same question over and over again. Just because it's hard to imagine, let me recreate (in English) the way people greet each other.

A: Hello
B: Hello
A: How are you?
B: Good.
A: How is your day?
B: Good.
A: How is your family?
B: Good.
A: How is your home?
B: Good.
A: How is your work?
B: Good.
A: How are you?
B: Good.
A: And your mother?
B: Good.
A: How is the place?
B: The place is good.
A: How are you?
B: Good.

Then it's B's turn to ask the questions. Usually for the same amount of time. I am not exaggerating one bit.

So, I had to get used to this. At first it was a little funny. The answer is always the same! Sometimes the question is the same! Then, when it's my turn, I have to ask the same questions over and over, because I don't speak that well.

Ok, so after a while I came to accept it. Then I grew to enjoy it. The best thing about it is that you automatically have several minutes of conversation scripted out for you. You don't have to worry about coming up with something to say to a stranger for a long time. It's very comforting. Sometimes I feel in America that I have to be on the spot with conversations all the time, because people get so impatient with repetition. But in Africa, I was already a hero for making it to the end of the greeting.

Ok. But there's something else in there that's a little more subtle. The answer is scripted. Much more scripted than our greeting, though there are possible variations. The thing is, the answer is always positive. Someone once told me there are only two times you can say that things aren't good: you're in prison or your mom is dying. Everything else is good.

Everything else is good! You have to affirm 20 or 30 times a day that everything is good. To different people. No matter what happened, things are good! That is so refreshing.

Now, of course you don't always feel like things are good. Especially when you first start. But that comes out in you body language, tone, etc. People will notice. Third thing: we are socially retarded compared with them. We spend 8 hours a day in front of a computer or TV. They spend 24 hours a day with other people. It makes sense. Why is it that we need someone to say the words "Things aren't good" to know that they're not good? We value honesty more than we value our social interactions, is what that tells me. We are too focused on the truth value of our words and not on each other.

It reminds me of this time I was talking to a girl (American). She was saying how she hangs out with Ukrainian people. And the Ukrainian guys said Americans were being dishonest because we smiled so much, even when we weren't happy. She thought about it and said "You're right! We are dishonest!"

Nothing personal against the girl–I think it's typical of Americans to read such a literal meaning into things. But it's doubly worse because it's her culture! She should know better.

In America, smiling at someone doesn't mean you're happy. It's a gesture of acknowledgement, like waving. It's not inauthentic. You're not lying because it has another meaning in another circumstance.

So that's what I think about greetings. It's not lying just because you're not feeling exactly "Good, you?" at the moment. It's a social gesture.

Keep up the good work.

I don't particularly enjoy small talk. But then again WHO DOES? Who sits around trying to think of a career where they could chat about small meaningless details with near strangers all day? I get tired of hearing people (particularly young people) say "I hate small talk and find people who engage in it tedious, so I'm not going to participate anymore." First, I dislike the assumption that because someone can politely comment on the weather at a social function that they are shallow twits who love nothing more than inauthentic communication. Second, the result of this declaration is either that the person stops talking to people in social situations or that they decide to communicate "authentically" by dumping their private stuff all over hapless victims. Suggesting that they discover what sparks the other person in order to move past the small talk us often shrugged off because of "lack of common interests." The assumption is that if the person isn't like you or interested in the same "deep" things you are that they are somehow less — and their small talk is the evidence.

As my very favorite article* on personal growth says: "…peacefully dealing with incompatible people is crucial to living in a society. In fact, if you think about it, peacefully dealing with people you can't stand is society."

And small talk is the social grease (and grace) that makes that possible. Chatting about the weather when you're interest is in thorny political issues, saying "fine and you" when someone inquires — that's how we get along together.

Authenticity is frequently described as "being yourself" but if someone discovers that "myself" is a selfish, egotistical elitist who snubs his or her nose at people for being less deep and authentic (which happened to me at one juncture in my 20s), perhaps personal authenticity isn't the solution but the problem.

* Article: http://www.cracked.com/article_15231_7-reasons-21…

I think that's a good summation of the problem right there!

Yeah, that's an excellent point. At first that seemed like a a bad thing to me, but maybe it's not so much. There's nothing necessarily wrong with both people being OK that neither has anything to say to the other. Feeling like you're "supposed" to make a connection is pretty much a guarantee that you won't be able too.

Course, if you want to, its a different thing entirely.